And suddenly, I'm old!

Confession: I've been avoiding this blog. And... I've been avoiding my own thoughts. But there's a good reason... Well, relatively.

It all started on Monday. I went in for my dreaded annual ob/gyn check up. We discovered a few things right off: My iron was low. Nothing new. I've been anemic for years. My blood pressure was high. That was new because my BP is usually a bit on the low side but still not alot to worry about. Even the physical exam went well. Then we discussed my "symptoms". I prefer to call them complaints, but let's not get too technical. Hot flashes, night sweats, headaches, absentmindedness, mood swings, and increasingly terrible 7-10 days every month. I had joked for months that I was experiencing "The Change" and adult-onset ADD and now I was sure my biggest fears would be confirmed. I was going through "The Change".

As it happened, I was not going through the change. My hormones were all off kilter and wreaking havoc in any way imaginable. So, the doctor proposed two solutions. The first was an endometrial ablasion. The would only stop the monthly flow and would only be about 80% effective at that. Second, and here's where I glazed over, was a hysterectomy. I stopped listening. I wrote it off and convinced myself that the ablasion was the easy way to go.

After much discussion at home and again with the doctor, it was determined that the hysterectomy would be inevitable in a couple years even if the ablasion worked now. My doctor encouraged me to to have the hysterectomy now because I would heal easier now rather than when I'm older and it would prevent any opportunity for cancerous cells in the future.

So there it is. I'm 29 years old and I'm scheduled to have my uterus removed in two weeks. That sounded like a death sentence for my youth. I cried for a full 48 hours. A major part of what makes me a woman would no longer be a part of me. I would be OLD. Women in their 40's and 50's and older have hysterectomies. Not a vital 29 year old.

I was embarrassed. I had to tell my husband (and others) that my "woman parts" aren't functioning properly. I'm still embarrassed.

Then I did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed. I prayed for contentment. I prayed for understanding for me and those around me. I prayed for sanity. I prayed for peace and healing.

And I got it all. I've come to accept and even embrace that this is the best thing for my body and that a uterus doesn't define who I am. A hysterectomy is just a procedure on my physical body, not my eternity. I was given two beautiful, healthy children and now the childbearing season of my life is over. The childbearing season of my life was over before talk of a hysterectomy so the procedure itself shouldn't be defining in anyway. It just seems so certain and permanent.

I'm learning to define myself in Him, rather than in me. I've begun to pray that I might decrease so that He will increase in me. This will NOT effect who I am or who He wants me to be. I will not let this get me sidetracked. I'm not quite ready to share this with the world, but I've come to grips that the pros outweigh the cons and that this is not who I am.

So on June 30th I will be having a hysterectomy. *said confidently*